If only

The walls started closing in, 

the kind of nights that got tears streaming started creeping in.

You and me,

we both became glass.

Breaking both of our hearts, 

I laid in bed trying to forget the firsts of us.

It didn’t matter where we were,

I didn’t want to mess this thing up for sure.

All I tried was to chase the sun trying to make it perfect,

if only I gave it a little time, 

we might have been able to see the sunset.

I would have tried harder if only you saw the efforts that I made,

but all you did was to point out my mistakes.

You brought the kind of night that made me worthless in my own eyes.

You brought along the kind of night that felt like I won,

yet you got me losing my own sight. 

Succumbed to the pleasure

Didn't need no words to exclaim 
I was pulled by a tremendous force that I resisted in vain

Sitting on the edge of your unfamiliar bed

You drew me to the fire while I tried to flee from the pain

I avoided the exposure

You tempted me to closure

I couldn’t let you burn me and yet I couldn’t resist the scene

I let myself walk into the fire while it consumed me

Piece by piece, I started falling in way too deep

I tried to stay afloat but the currents kept pulling me in 

I knew you had hooked me onto your strings

But I then knew I couldn’t let go being a part of these songs you sing  

I was shallow, I gave in 

Your love seduced me, it didn't cease

Without your presence, whats this existence of mine 

I succumbed to the pleasure of you, oh so divine

I now look into your brown eyes

I realise you’re all that I’ve been waiting for all my life 

Without your love, life would not have been the same

With your love, Im ready to go through any pain

Is it you or is it me?

Our legs are intertwined

Your hands are wrapped around mine

Your skin brushing against mine

The goosebumps showing up this time

Your lips glazed with alcohol

Tasting so fine

The façade of not needing

Is creeping through my mind

The echoes of silence 

Is deafening these nights

What’s with the distance

Keeping us away all night

Is it you or is it me tonight

Is it me or is it my mind these nights

Is it us or is it in my mind that it ain’t alright

Touch me not

One normally spots a sensitive person based on the emotions let out, deeming them as weak individuals. However, many of the times, it turns out that the strongest ones’ on the outside, are the weakest ones’ on the inside. These are in fact the highly sensitive people who appear to be emotionally detached.

They are the ones’ who will easily get close to people yet disallow themselves to be emotionally attached to them. It is not that they do not have emotions; their emotions are simply bottled up, with their senses being numbed.

They will pretend like they are okay even when they might be falling apart on the inside. This is to prevent appearing as weak since emotional people are normally seen in that light. On the contrary though, those that are not afraid to make their feelings evident are the ones that are actually strong.

Highly sensitive people are cautious with who they decide to open up to. People would have to repeatedly ask them to let them know what they are feeling as they would never let it out no matter how close the other might be to them. This gets other people thinking that they do not mean much to them since they are not comfortable in opening up.

Words that they might say might be deemed as harsh due to their “I don’t really care,” behaviour. Your grandfather passed away? Okay, so what? Life is a constant process of dying anyway.

The actual conflict, however, begins only when emotions are provoked in them and they start to surface.

They fear being in relationships, especially romantic ones. It is tough to get their attention and jump over the walls that they have built around them. They are not playing hard to get, but instead, they are just protecting themselves by treating others as being disposable.

Once in a blue moon though, when someone does manage to break down the impassable walls, they would end up sabotaging it. They have a tendency to push people away, cutting off ties, for no apparent reason, by trying to find faults in the relationship when these faults could instead simply be mended. This happens when they come to a realization that they have fallen deeply, with their emotions starting to take control over their acts.

They feel insecure and start over-thinking with regards to what would happen if they fall deeper for someone or if the relationship ends? They would be shattered and go back to experiencing emotions which might surface and hence being “weak”, getting back to the point where they first started off from.

Having a heart breaking experience, all the more they would regret breaking their walls down, with them being more cautious as of who they allow to let in their lives on an emotional level the next time round.

When they finally do show their feelings, it tends to be extreme. This could happen on any random day, whether with or without being intoxicated, although of course the latter just makes it worse. When this happens, they appear as needy and/or aggressive. They fall into a whirlpool of feelings that are so intense; people get taken aback while they themselves fear they may never come out of it.

It wasn’t true

The night they met

She knew it was true

Unlike the others she met

He was an angel she knew

The night they met

He knew it was true

Unlike the others he met

She was genuine and true

He kissed her that night

Her dark eyes didn’t lie

He knew it was meant to be

Then why didn’t his worries seem to cease?

         

Days passed by

The weeks turned into months

With every day that passed

Her mind yearned for another lust                       

                                                       

Angel he called her

Devil she became

She left him for another

The story echoes again

Acceptance

We are all different in our own ways. At times you might find someone that is on the same page, same paragraph, same line as you, and then you leave it there, not finding the need to probe whether they are at the same word. We all would like someone in our lives who thinks in the same manner as we do, so that there is someone that would be able to better understand us in certain situations. Despite no disputes on many issues, it is almost impossible that one can be at the same word as another at all times.

I do not know how to react in many situations. My mind is set to think that the matters that many of us think as problems, are not really one. Having no food to eat every day is a problem. Going to a public and not a private school is not considered a real problem at all. Be glad you at least have the resources to attend a school. Hence, when someone tells me their problems, I do give them a listening ear out of my own will and give them a  piece of mind too most of the times. However, when there is no advising required and only assurance, I just smile in a reassuring way stating that ups and downs are a part of life and that life goes on, because it really does. People die, situations change but life goes on. The world is not going to stop along with you when you decide to stop walking in the journey of life. When I get nervous, I tend to laugh. To make a situation lighten up, I crack jokes.

People interpret this behavior and attitude of mine as being rude and callous. Just because one does not show, does not mean they do not care. I do care about how you feel deep down inside my heart. I want to do nice things for the people around me whether or not they are nice to me, hoping that one day things can get better. However, I know that I am not going to be treated in the same way in return as not everyone thinks in the same way as you do. Still, it does not quite matter as long as you know you tried. 

The question that remains is, should one change in order to not be misunderstood or just stay the way they are, hoping that one day someone understands and accepts them for the way that they think?

You or Me, who comes first?

One day you wake up feeling tired and stupid of having many of those times whereby you prioritize someone else’s feelings over yours. You have prioritized their feelings regarding a matter above yours for months or even years maybe. Due to that, the act of going with the flow by ignoring how you feel about a situation is like an unconditioned stimulus. You then decide to rebel against it, deciding to do something that makes you happy instead. Albeit of course none of us, humans, are selfless in nature. Whether we do like to admit it or not, there must have been or will be a point in life whereby we would have a tendency to place ourselves first before others. Yes, “others” does include strangers. Upon acting differently, people start thinking that you have changed or the relationship has, with them not being of much importance to you anymore. But really, it is just that you have stopped saying yes to everything that a person asks you; stopped using yes as your “default” mode’s reply.

When a relationship means a lot, we all do fear doing something different that might put the relationship at stake. Some of us spend half of our lives trying to please others and letting our inner thoughts eat us away inside. However, one can never please everyone at a time. For how long would you be able to go on hiding your true feelings and pretending that everything is fine? There is just so much that a person can take. Also, it is better to clear things up sooner than later since with time, bonds tend to strengthen, posing as our weakness as well. With the relationship being our weakness, the fear of doing something wrong increases. 

How do you get things back on track after seeming like the “wrecking ball”? Talk it out. Learn to speak up for yourself. If you do not, who will? Communication is the key in every relationship. Say exactly how you feel about the situation. You might feel that you are being mean and might feel like a horrible person yourself. Stop self-depreciating. Do not act as if you are at fault for the situation worsening. Do not make it sound as if only you have faults while the other person is flawless. On the other hand, you might be seething with madness wondering why the other person does not understand you. On impulse, you might want to put an end to the escalated situation by ending the relationship. If you do not speak up, how do you expect someone else to understand how you feel? No matter how well the other usually gets you, no, they are not mind readers. Decisions taken on impulse are usually followed with regrets. Hence, push that thought out of your mind as minutes later, you might be crying over losing a diamond. After talking it out, the situation might take a turn for the better or worse. Either way, try to put your point across as if he/she understands you, it’s a win-win(-win) situation. You have opened the doors to letting yourself feel happier, you have perhaps strengthened your relationship since the both of you can now be more honest towards one another and congratulations, you have also succeeded in the course of confronting others.