You or Me, who comes first?

One day you wake up feeling tired and stupid of having many of those times whereby you prioritize someone else’s feelings over yours. You have prioritized their feelings regarding a matter above yours for months or even years maybe. Due to that, the act of going with the flow by ignoring how you feel about a situation is like an unconditioned stimulus. You then decide to rebel against it, deciding to do something that makes you happy instead. Albeit of course none of us, humans, are selfless in nature. Whether we do like to admit it or not, there must have been or will be a point in life whereby we would have a tendency to place ourselves first before others. Yes, “others” does include strangers. Upon acting differently, people start thinking that you have changed or the relationship has, with them not being of much importance to you anymore. But really, it is just that you have stopped saying yes to everything that a person asks you; stopped using yes as your “default” mode’s reply.

When a relationship means a lot, we all do fear doing something different that might put the relationship at stake. Some of us spend half of our lives trying to please others and letting our inner thoughts eat us away inside. However, one can never please everyone at a time. For how long would you be able to go on hiding your true feelings and pretending that everything is fine? There is just so much that a person can take. Also, it is better to clear things up sooner than later since with time, bonds tend to strengthen, posing as our weakness as well. With the relationship being our weakness, the fear of doing something wrong increases. 

How do you get things back on track after seeming like the “wrecking ball”? Talk it out. Learn to speak up for yourself. If you do not, who will? Communication is the key in every relationship. Say exactly how you feel about the situation. You might feel that you are being mean and might feel like a horrible person yourself. Stop self-depreciating. Do not act as if you are at fault for the situation worsening. Do not make it sound as if only you have faults while the other person is flawless. On the other hand, you might be seething with madness wondering why the other person does not understand you. On impulse, you might want to put an end to the escalated situation by ending the relationship. If you do not speak up, how do you expect someone else to understand how you feel? No matter how well the other usually gets you, no, they are not mind readers. Decisions taken on impulse are usually followed with regrets. Hence, push that thought out of your mind as minutes later, you might be crying over losing a diamond. After talking it out, the situation might take a turn for the better or worse. Either way, try to put your point across as if he/she understands you, it’s a win-win(-win) situation. You have opened the doors to letting yourself feel happier, you have perhaps strengthened your relationship since the both of you can now be more honest towards one another and congratulations, you have also succeeded in the course of confronting others.

Falling twice

This is just a story that I wrote for an assignment.

I hold up my white lace gown embellished with crystals, a piece from the latest collection by Vera Wang, and put a leg out followed by the other, carefully getting out of the black BMW. My head feels heavy with the veil weighing my neatly styled half up-do hair down. Someone, whom I could not bother to notice due to the nervousness, stops me halfway, handing me over a bouquet of white and red fresh roses that I firmly clench onto while making my way towards the brown wooden doors with golden knobs. The door slowly opens with Beautiful in White by Westlife filling my ears. Despite me staring down at the floor, I can feel all eyes on me making my heart pound ten times faster. I take a deep breathe, forgetting the scene depicting the chest that took place about an hour back before leaving my house for the church. I gradually look up ahead and take a step followed by another, with my gown sweeping the floor with each step I take down the white carpet bedded with rose petals. Every thought that had been lingering on my mind is fading away with all that I see before me is the man that gave me a new life. The one person that not only managed to complete me, but he also complemented me. Upon his sight, the smile plastered on my face did not require my facial muscles to uphold it.

I check myself in the full length mirror on my mirrored wardrobe before leaving the house despite the lack of time. My sight is diverted to the reflection of the calendar that I see. It is 14^th February 2023. Past memories hit me. I walk over to the left side of the white vanity table. Bending over, I push back my long wavy hair and open the gilt bronze chest adorned with garnets, made with marble and cushioned with velvet. A waft of his perfume escaped, tickling my nostrils. It has been 12 years since the chest has been under my possession. The only gift I had ever received within the short period of time that I had known him for. I stared down at the collection of items. The yearbook with his pictures in it, the gifts he bought me; mainly antique items bought without an occasion since he knew that I loved anything vintage looking, the diaries I wrote dedicated to him, presents bought over the years from different countries and collected for the 4^th of July; his birthday. My eyes start welling up. I hold back the tears thinking of it all as good old times, also being conscious of the mascara that might run and ruin the light make-up that I had on.

On a particular September’s day while the sun was just going down, I fidgeted with my phone while waiting for my friends. Out of boredom, I observed my surroundings when someone caught my attention. “Damn, that guy.” a little unfamiliar voice whispered in my head. He chatted away with his friend while waiting outside the staff room at Bendemeer Secondary School. “He is waiting for a teacher perhaps. Yes, it is a teacher. But, who is he? An ex-student?” thoughts flooded my mind. He naturally had hazelnut coloured hair that he would flip, resembling Justin Bieber’s signature style. He was tall, had an athletic physique and tanned skin. His smile could light up a whole dim town. I wished I could see him from a closer distance and not just half of his face. My friend’s arrived shortly after, and I left the site feeling helpless.

Getting back home, I frantically searched for his face on our school’s Facebook page that had over a thousand likes. I had never done something like it before. After almost giving up on the fifth page, I saw his face on the sixth. His name was Jayden. He was a graduate, being my senior of three years. My laptops mouse scrolled over to the “Add as friend” tab whereby it stayed stationary for 10 minutes as I mulled over whether I should click it. I forced my finger down on the scroll pad. “There, you have done it.” I said to myself. I could not shake his image off my mind till I fell asleep. He accepted the request the following day. However, all the hype about him had already died down, leaving me feeling nothing.

On the 14^th April’s afternoon the following year, I saw a chat tab on Facebook pop up. “Oh god. It is that guy.” I thought to myself although not feeling the adrenaline rush that I had felt when I first saw him. It was him, Jayden.

14/04/2011 16:43 - Jayden Luke:

“Hey. Saw your check in. I was just at Boon Keng too!”

14/04/2011 16:48 - Sara Alexis:

“Hey! Hahaha okay!”

14/04/2011 18:37 - Jayden Luke:

“What are u doing now?”

14/04/2011 19:41 - Jayden Luke:

“I don't know why but I think u are really beautiful.”

14/04/2011 19:44 - Sara Alexis:

“Just out. U? Erm haha okay thanks.”

He started off a casual conversation and asked to exchange numbers later that night, after which, we constantly texted each other. It was at lightening’s speed but we decided to meet up the following day at a McDonald’s near our schools as he was studying at the Institute of Technical Education (ITE) nearby.

My friend and I waited for him after our classes had ended. After about half an hour, from the corner of my eye, I saw him walk through the door of McDonalds. “He is here. This is so awkward,” I said, giggling like a small kid. Having seen us right away, he walked up to us, greeted my friend and I and then sat down beside me. Surprisingly, there was not a single awkward moment between the three of us that evening due to him chattering non-stop. I had never felt so comfortable around any stranger before. I felt like I knew him for ages already. He offered to accompany me through the train journey and then drop me off at the bus stop, despite my humble refusal.

My bus came in sight after minutes of waiting. I did not want the great day to come to an end. However, I had to get on the bus due to the countless number of calls from my mother, asking me to get home. “My bus is here, I have to go,” I gloomily said as the bus doors opened. In the twinkle of an eye, I felt his pink soft lips pressed against mine. He quickly pulled back after what seemed like half a second and said good bye while I climbed up the stairs of the bus. Jayden immediately texted me, looking up at me with a smile on his face, waiting at the bus stop till the bus pulled away. Throughout the bus ride, I could not erase the upward curve from my face and neither could I stop the butterflies in my stomach. Waking up that morning, I could never have had imagined for my night to end in that way. It all happened too fast for my brains to absorb. It was different, too rushed, but it felt good. The following months passed like days with his hand entwined with mine.

“I sold the chest that was passed down by my grandmother to an antique’s store so that I could pay for my tuition fees.” I uttered to Jayden feeling miserable about it and yet pretending that it was not affecting me. The following day, a big surprise awaited me at my door step. It was the chest. He had bought it for me from the store that I had sold it to. Tears trickled down my cheeks seeing it and I leaped to hug him for what seemed like ages. Any item that held memories of him, I would store it in the chest thereafter.

10^th February 2012, we argued but as usual made up again after a few texts. The next few days however, we hardly did text each other due to his busy schedule and a grudge that I had held due to the previous argument that we had. After the 12^th February, our texts had stopped. He did not text me and neither did I take the initiative to text him first. Three days later, I got a text from a mutual friend of mine and Jayden’s.

“Do you not know what happened to Jayden?”

“What happened to him?”

“I thought so that you didn’t know. Go see his Facebook wall.”

“I just saw it…Thanks…”

“My condolences to you. Heart failure at 18 and that too on 14^th Feb…life surely is unpredictable. Take care.”

31^st December 2016, I attended a New Year’s Eve party at Siloso Beach, Sentosa. It started to quiet down after a game of Truth or Dare, with all of us talking with a drink in our hands afterwards. Most were high and some just tipsy after the countless drinks as the night turned into a new day and year; it was New Years’ day. After the New Year greetings, I sat alone on the breakwater, sipping on my drink and admiring the moon light highlighting the grainy sand particles while wishing Jayden was by my side. Turning around and getting up upon hearing my friend call out my name at about the stroke of 3am, my attention was divided between walking towards her and watching him walk on the path that led to us, greeting the faces that I knew. I had never seen him around before. Later in the day, I went up to talk to a friend of mine who was talking to him as well. He started chatting to me too without us introducing ourselves to each other, as if we had met before. Rather than getting to know each other, we threw friendly insults at one another. There was something about him that I could not shake off. Thereafter, I could not stop stealing glances at him throughout the day.

As the first rays of sun fell on the shoreline, all of us decided to leave. The rest of our friends had got off the train, leaving the both of us, since we stayed just a station away from each other’s place. In the train journey, we talked about ourselves with laughter echoing in the MRT. Being carried away in the conversation, we did not realise that the train had come to a halt and it was time for me to get off. “I am so sorry, but I have to go,” I quickly said then hurtling for the doors after which the bell went off and the train doors shut. Getting out of the train, I felt like it was the last time that we would be seeing each other but I had hoped otherwise. It was after almost 5 years that somebody had managed to make me yearn for a meet again.

A few days later, I went out with the same group of friends. Was it fate or sheer luck that I saw the face I had been reminiscing ever since I stepped into the New Year? There he was again. Meet ups with the group including him started to frequent and so did our friendship strengthen. When a mutual friend misunderstood me, he tried to clear the misunderstanding by strongly putting my point across despite him knowing the other guy for a longer time, and yet did not take sides.

Albeit I tried to ignore my feelings at first, I realised that with each passing day my feelings grew stronger for him. Things however never progressed as I never told him how I felt and I guessed that since he never expressed his feelings to me, he must have always had taken me just as a friend. The group of mutual friends that we had, including we ourselves, got busy with our working lives and hence all of us started losing contact with one another. Days turned into months and months into years. Four years had passed but what I felt towards him did not cease.

“I myself do realise that I have always put on a façade of being content in life, having a happy go lucky attitude. Was I genuinely happy with life? When was the last time that I actually didn’t feel alone despite being around a pool of people? Why do I fear giving relationships a chance? I tend to push people away and not get too emotionally attached to them just because I have found that each time I do get close to somebody, they leave me and at times even the world, going to another dimension. I preach that one should do whatever that they want to without overthinking since there is only one life to live. But, had I lately gone where my heart wanted to go with my feet then following? Facing reality, I didn’t actually know where I was or where I was going until I met him. He gave a new direction to my life. He makes me smile when no one can. He makes me laugh over little things he says. He shows concern for me like no other. He has made me into a better person. He amazes me with things he does each time. I feel satisfied seeing him happy. I can visualize my future with him. I want to grow old with him. Is that what love is? Was what I had for Jayden just an infatuation?” I thought to myself.

I contemplated whether I should let him know how I felt about him. I typed: “Hey. I know this is pretty abrupt and might make things awkward between us but ever since I had first seen you and then talked to you, I have not been able to stop thinking about you. You made a special place for yourself in my heart. I do not expect anything in return. I just thought that I needed to let you know as I feel that you have a right to know it.” After minutes of staring at the text pondering upon if I should tap on the send button on my smart phone, I tapped on the back button instead, deleting the text. “Would the text be too sudden after months of not being in contact? Why is this so hard? Damn it. Let me just do this once and for all.” I said to myself getting frustrated. I decided to call him up instead.

“Ring…ring…ring…”

With each ring, I could feel my heart pounding more heavily against my chest.

“Hello?”

“Hey. It is me, Sara.”

“I do recognise your voice and I still do have your number saved you know. How are you? It’s been so long. I’ve missed you.”

There was a moment of silence from my side.

“Hey Sara, you don’t sound alright. What happened?”

“Do you ever think about the future? What do you see?”

“Mmmm…what do you see?”

“I am not kidding.”

“It’s you. I see you.”

I could not believe my ears. Adrenaline rushed through my body and I felt that I had a brain freeze. He had mutual feelings towards me. Albeit I needed to let him know as of how I felt, I did not want to be in a relationship since I felt that it would not be morally right to do so as there had not been a day that I did not think about Jayden. Since I still thought about Jayden, getting together with someone else would be similar to betraying. Also, since Jayden and I were supposedly in a relationship till his last breath, I felt guilty getting together with someone else. I explained my dilemma to him and we decided to take things slow and not rush into a relationship till I could sort myself out.

“I build the walls around me up so high that no one managed to climb it over. Now that someone has managed to do so, why am I still running away? It’s like I want to move on but I cannot let go off Jayden. Jayden is still in my heart,” I declared my thoughts out aloud to my friend, Danielle.

“Jayden is always going to be in your heart even if you manage to move on. It is normal to move on and yet at times look back missing the past. There is not just one person that you can love. What If that one person dies or is already with someone else? It would be pointless depriving yourself off another source of happiness that you want and deserve, causing yourself to suffer more than you need to. Love is everywhere. Love is loving the scent of fresh flowers even. You may fall in love once, twice or maybe more, but that does not make it any less special as it is not a matter of loving someone more or less. It is just that sometimes things do not work out but you should carry on with an open mind, reaching out for whatever that makes you happy. You never know until you try and yes, everyone deserves to be happy, to be loved, including you,” Danielle replied.